Mum is moving in with us next month after her stroke. What should we sort out before she arrives?

#1P. Dawson(Joined Oct 2026 · 3 posts)October 28, 2026, 9:26 pm

Mum had a stroke in September. She is in a rehab unit now and doing better than anyone expected, walking with a frame, speech mostly back, still very tired. The plan everyone keeps nodding at is that she comes to live with us rather than going back to her flat, which has stairs and is forty minutes away.

We said yes in the first week when it all felt like an emergency. My husband is supportive. The kids are fifteen and seventeen and have been told rather than asked, which I am now regretting. Mum says she does not want to be a burden, which I think means yes but might mean no.

There is also her flat. My brother thinks we should sell it straight away and use the money to put a bathroom downstairs. I do not know enough to know whether that is sensible. Where do we even start?

#2Lorna B.(Joined Feb 2026 · 13 posts)October 29, 2026, 7:48 am

I did this in April, rather faster than you, so here is the short version of what I wish I had done. Ask Mum properly, on a good day, on her own, without you having already decided. Then ask the kids. Six months on, the thing I would change is that nobody asked my daughter.

#3ron-at-home(Joined Aug 2025 · 17 posts)October 29, 2026, 9:30 am

Don't sell the flat yet. Whatever else you do. Everybody I know who sold in the first month regretted the speed of it, for one reason or another.

#4dee1972(Joined Apr 2025 · 24 posts)October 29, 2026, 8:02 pm

Before she leaves the rehab unit, ask for the occupational therapist to look at your house, not just hers. Where she will sleep, the toilet, the stairs, the bath. Ours came out with a list and half of it turned up as equipment within a fortnight.

#5P. Dawson(Joined Oct 2026 · 3 posts)October 30, 2026, 7:11 pm

The OT idea is brilliant, I had no idea they would look at our house. Asked the unit today and they have put us on the list.

Why exactly not the flat though? My brother's argument is that it is just sitting there costing money.

#6Maura KinsellaAdmin(Joined Sep 2024 · 168 posts)November 1, 2026, 10:37 am

Welcome, and you are asking the right questions at the right time, which is before the boxes arrive.

On the flat, your brother is not wrong that it costs money, but there are two reasons to wait and get advice first. One is money. If your mother ever needs means tested care, the systems that pay for it look at what she had, not just what she has, and in England a council can treat assets given away or spent to avoid care charges as still hers. Using her flat to pay for a bathroom in your house is exactly the kind of thing that needs proper advice before anyone signs anything, ideally separate advice for her and for you, because your interests are not identical. The other reason is the exit. If living together does not work, for her or for you, a flat that still exists makes the alternatives far easier.

On the rest: what Lorna said about asking her properly is the foundation. It is her decision as well as yours, and "I don't want to be a burden" deserves a proper conversation, not a nod. Dee's OT assessment is the practical start. And once she has moved, ask for her needs assessment to be done again at your address, and ask for a carer's assessment of your own, because living together does not switch help off.

I have written all of this up, including a short list to settle before the move and how the money works in three countries, in moving a parent in with you. And since your brother has views, sharing care with siblings may be worth a read before the next family conversation.

#7P. Dawson(Joined Oct 2026 · 3 posts)November 2, 2026, 8:44 pm

Talked to Mum yesterday on her own, as suggested. Turns out "not a burden" meant she was frightened we would get fed up and she would have nowhere to go, which is why she wanted to keep the flat. So that has settled the flat for now. Talking to the kids tonight.