Everyone says "make sure you look after yourself". When? I have had one evening off since March

#1K. McAllister(Joined Nov 2025 · 15 posts)September 21, 2026, 10:44 pm

Minor rant, sorry. The new care coordinator, my mother's doctor, my brother on the phone from two states away, and a woman at church have all said some version of "make sure you look after yourself" this month. Every one of them meant well.

None of them has said when. I work four days, my mother is at the day program three of them, and the other hours belong to her, the forms, the pharmacy and the laundry. I worked it out last night and I have had one evening that belonged to nobody since March, and that was because she was in hospital. Which I was weirdly relieved about, and then felt awful.

Is there an actual answer to this, or is it just a thing people say so they feel they have said something?

#2stephen_58(Joined May 2026 · 7 posts)September 22, 2026, 7:15 am

Mostly a thing people say. Sorry. But the relief when she was in hospital, I recognised that so hard I had to put my phone down. You are not awful.

#3dee1972(Joined Apr 2025 · 24 posts)September 22, 2026, 8:31 pm

It only became real for me when it became specific. Not "look after yourself", but Thursday 6 to 9 belongs to me, and somebody else is in the house. Took a carer's assessment and a sitting service to get there, and a fight with my brother about which Thursdays were his. But it is a fixed thing in the diary now, and I defend it like it is a hospital appointment.

#4ron-at-home(Joined Aug 2025 · 17 posts)September 23, 2026, 9:50 am

The thing nobody told me is that the people saying it are often the people who could make it happen. Next time your brother says it, ask him for a specific weekend. Not a guilt trip, just a date. Mine went quiet for a moment and then said yes, and he has done four since.

#5K. McAllister(Joined Nov 2025 · 15 posts)September 25, 2026, 9:12 pm

ron-at-home said:

ask him for a specific weekend

I did this on the phone tonight. Long silence. Then he said he could do the second weekend in October. I nearly fell over.

Also took Dee's point and rang our Area Agency on Aging about respite, which I had been putting off because I assumed it meant a care home. It does not, or not only. They are sending something.

#6Lorna B.(Joined Feb 2026 · 13 posts)September 27, 2026, 7:22 pm

Saving this thread. The "fixed thing in the diary" is the bit. I keep giving my free hours away because they are not written down anywhere, so they do not feel real.

#7K. McAllister(Joined Nov 2025 · 15 posts)October 14, 2026, 8:48 pm

Report back. Brother came for the weekend. I went to a friend's two hours away, slept for eleven hours on the Saturday, and came home to a house that was mostly intact and a mother who had clearly enjoyed a change of face. He has offered another one in December, unprompted.

Nobody needs to tell me to look after myself for a few weeks. I am going to write down a fixed evening as well, as suggested. Thank you, all.